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Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Project62

"If you aren't on fire for God, stop everything that you are doing until you are." - Francis Chan

Two sources. Through prayer and through a sermon, I heard the same message. You, Ray, are lukewarm. You are neither hot nor cold, and for that, I cannot use you. So I'm going back to LA for 2 months to get on fire for God.

62 Days. For 62 Days, I am going to track the progress of my relationship with God. I am lost, but I hope that I will be found by the end of the next 62 days.

I'm getting ready to fly back to the States to spend time in prayer and the Word. My fears are that I won't finish and will give up like I have in the past. My hopes are that I will find myself more dependent on God and clinging onto Him every step I take.

In the past, I feel like I've always stood at the cusp of breakthrough and walked away from it in fear that if I released all control to God, I would spin out of orbit. I'm at that crossroads again, and this time, I've decided to put all my trust in God and see where it will take me.

The back story: For the past 2 years, I've been making slow compromises away from God. They began with just going to the places that God isn't welcome. I've always had strong beliefs that everything (every decision, thought, action, and relationship) will either draw you closer to God or distract you away from God. There was nothing neutral. Of course, some of the things that bring people closer to God may also distract others away from God, but that requires each person to examine their own lives and have people speak truth into it.

My time in Korea has been far from Christ. More than anything, I've done things I never thought I would and have ignored God all together. But Korea was more of a culmination of the little compromises I've made that have brought me to this point, and what I have discovered by tracing back the roots of this backsliding, is a belief: God cares infinitely about the world, but not about me personally. This one belief translated into bitterness, testing God at every turn, and distancing myself from Him because I stopped believing that He cared about me in every way. Instead, I said, well, He LETS people choose the life they want to live (which is true), but I also forgot that He cares DEEPLY about whether or not we walk with Him. What I failed to realize is that God loves me more than I could ever realize and that He desperately wants to show me that love.

I've been pursuing a career in finance as a sales trader. Through the generous help of my cousin who is an executive at a foreign firm in Korea, I was able to meet many heads of investment banks here. Everyone in the industry has been nice and it was great to get to know them, but I've come to the realization that my motives for entering the industry would be to chase money and a lifestyle that would distance me from helping people instead of allowing me to engage with them. My motives for going into finance began and ended with the provision of my family.

Denying the fact that I would be doing this just to build a safety net for me and my family and creating excuses like "I can use the money I earn to do a lot of good for people" I realized I was just pursuing a comfortable life. A life where I wouldn't have to depend on God for much was one that felt safe to me. After all, I would only need to go to God whenever I NEEDED something from Him instead of going to Him for everything like children do to their parents. But then, I was convicted that a life of dependency was great as long as the person you were depending on was dependable. It isn't easy when you aren't used to it and all you hear from the pulpit is TRUST GOD, TRUST GOD, TRUST GOD, but I've noticed that the reason so many people (definitely including myself) have a hard time trusting God is because they haven't established a relationship with Him. Those who walk in dependent obedience to God have a quality that incorporates peace, joy and selflessness in all they do. But me, I've realized that the point at which I am required to say, "God, I trust you!" I end up walking away saying, "OK, I'm gonna do this on my own, my own way, but thanks for being my God anyway."

It feels like there is a great wall between me and God. I feel like my deliberate sins, my false beliefs, and my lack of gratitude have all built a wall that only the gentle love of God can break. My duty in this is to merely wait on my end of the wall hearing God shout over the wall, "Just wait a little longer. My love will break through the wall!"

I want God to use me. This way of living must end. Dependent obedience must begin.

2 comments:

  1. my brother... its very encouraging the way you have come to these realizations. and i encourage you to continue to seek and understand God's love and grace. its amazing. and powerful. and liberating.
    i wish you much joy from the love of Christ.

    dont worry.. God will use you.

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  2. Thanks Sang! Dude, we will definitely have to hang when I get back! Keep me in your prayers~

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