I can't believe I'm now at the back end of this 62 day project. Taking some time to reflect, this day seemed like the furthest thing from possible - well, this state of relationship with God seemed like the furthest thing from possible. Now, I'm in a place where things are greater than I could've ever imagined.
When I look back at what I've been through, the one thing that has changed is desire. I can't say that I had any desire to respond to God's nudging me to fully give my life over to Him; this includes my worries, my future, my security, my identity, and even my sense of self-worth. The one thing I knew was that if at any point you don't desire God above all things, you have other desires that have consumed you and more than likely blinded you by rationality or emotional selling. If I could recognize anything, it was that God was calling me and I was rejecting His call. Every now and then, I get a phone call from someone (usually a random number) that bugs me because I don't know who it is. Other times, I vaguely recognize the number and still choose to ignore it because I am not absolutely certain. Before I started this 62 day project, I recognized the number, I just didn't want to hear what was on the other end of the line. I kept pressing ignore when God called, until finally, I realized that people usually call multiple times if it is an emergency regardless of whether or not you pick up the phone.
You see, I was in such a state of darkness that I had no ability to look in the mirror to see the darkness that had consumed me. I was ignorant of the distance I experienced with God and it made me extremely apathetic and sometimes even irritated at the thought of God. I didn't want to follow God because I had forgotten His perfect goodness and I didn't want to follow God because I had carved out a little piece of hell on earth for myself in which I had dominion over. The problem was, I thought that this hell I created was actually heaven because I was so diluted to think that this time on earth was greater than any time in eternity. I had forgotten that this life was made for decisions to be made that would affect the rest of my existence into eternity.
The thing is, there really is no way to convey what I feel right now. I've become a fanatic, absolutely obsessed in everyday with God, and the thing is, I know I may look ridiculous-ly cool... (ha, just kidding) but all I want is for others to experience this crazy love that I am experiencing daily. I can't express it in words and all I can really look to are other people who have experienced it at one point and the scriptures which describe that you will experience this incredible joy. There is a great reality that there is nothing that is as good as God in the entire world.
What I feel like has happened was that everything I learned in Sunday School, Wheaton College, YWAM, Retreats, Biola University, and church all at once shattered the ceiling and walls that I have built to keep God from penetrating all of my heart. And the presence of God has done just that, He allowed for everything that I have known in my head to just drop into my heart.
In 62 days, if you allow, God can show you things more incredible than miracles and wonders, because He can show you Himself. The things about God revealing Himself is that He is showing you something more glorious and more beautiful than anything you could ever imagine - that if there is anything you could be addicted to, it should be Him because this addiction only leads to you greater joy and greater love. I'm absolutely hooked and look forward to the life ahead of me not because of what I will do, but who I will be doing it with.
In a nutshell, I've learned much about God's goodness as dictating all things He does, His provision for me in so many different ways, and His presence being the game changer.
My hope for anyone that reads this is that they will embark on their own 62 day project to find God. It started with a response to the call in which I was challenged to "drop everything until I was on fire for God" and that is absolutely what happened.
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